Changing my mind about ANGER
The ignitor of FIRE and transformation that culture told us was bad
Historically anger has been a message that something went wrong and an intervention was needed to make it right again.
We were programmed with all kinds of different beliefs around it and responses.
We then pride ourselves on managing it when that all too familiar state of “be a good girl/boy” surfaces. Even as adults.
Historically I was angry at another , myself or a combo of both if you dig deep enough under the strategies we learn into adulthood to make it more acceptable.
We pride ourselves on being able to hand it, ignore it, deal with it on an environmental/behavior level.
The players in the circumstances often represent ones in our past and we keep recreating same but different experiences that trigger the charges of undigested experiences where we felt anger. How many notice the familiar feeling? How many presume its just your personality creating that experience as if there is something wrong with you? There isn’t.
What if there was a different way to engage ANGER?
What if the above was merely a closed loop that changed a bit over time but not that much or worse just intensified?
What if anger is literally just a sensation in the body that you can go directly into and describe it, invite and allow it to be freed and literally transform your own nervous system. No one has to get hurt, no one has to feel less than, there is no problem. Nothing went wrong. To believe otherwise is to reinforce the belief that anger happened because something went wrong.
What if the story and beliefs around it are irrelevant and there to ignite the fire response to be in the process to transform.
So when ANGER shows up , what if we just paused for 30 seconds, put our attention at the base of our spines and breathe deeply to that place and did nothing! just surrender into it. Let the tears come, let the body shake, let the breathe to deeper when your body is tightening. Know that you are quantum and this movement is your actual natural state that was long gaslit from you in the name of compliance, control and being a good person.
For me that choice was the beginning of what completely shifted the trajectory of our family in crisis when my childs nervous system was in a complete burn out from the behaviour modification strategies that her school were relentless on.
That small choice changed everything. The OCD attacks in her directed at me stopped. It got my attention! Sitting near by and acting calm saying scripted words did not change anything. My nervous system in the process of my own movement with my attention inside of me is what made the difference.
From there on It was a no brainer to continue learning about this process and over time I reprogrammed not only myself but my childs nervous system. Through moving my attention into my body and away from trying to figure out how to manage her internal states. Her nervous system was on fire! It was angry! Under that was, she didn’t feel safe with the movement coursing through her little body that could not be contained in a normal box. If you dare tried in any best practise way she would intensify.
Anger digested as FIRE in MY body WAS AND IS the path to where we are now and continues to be our path to reclamation and creating our own meaningful lives.
All of the things she couldn’t do before, she can now. Without “interventions”.
There are a lot of amazing strategies and theory out there that reflect respect and integrity with our kids. AND WHEN THE TRIGGER IGNITES alot of times we are put right back into more powerless states. Especially when our mirror neurons activate around our childrens highly sensitive nervous system. ALL of it is helpful. The theory and strategies have all helped open more space and safety in me and yet when the trigger fires off over and over again we are left in an experience facing everything we have stored in us! The triggers will find us because that movement is imperative to our wellbeing. We all have different nervous systems that contain different energy responses. It presents differently in everyone. Different environments will either open space or collapse it and even in the most “safe” environments things still move! When are we gonna just stop trying to prevent and become curious about it?
I remember “professionals” having judgements over that and I remember other parents not feeling safe to be authentic around them. Yet if those professionals were actually living it, all of their programming would be triggering and the exhaustion would be setting in. It would become a very different kind of conversation. They would engage differently knowing what we knew instead of pretending they did because they read a lot of books. In our situation most of those professionals became useless to supporting us. Some were harmful and resorted to gaslighting when they couldn’t fix it. I eventually integrated my anger at them inside of my body and finally gave myself permission to not need their approval or advice. My internal processes were guiding us and the professionals teaching me how to do that were the only ones that became useful. Energy goes where attention goes. Focus on what is working and create more of that!
Doesn’t matter what knowledge you have, how you embrace or reject your own anger/fire in those moments will impact everyone. A lot of the times with trauma informed education , a parent will dismiss their own triggers in the name of understanding their childs trauma. I experienced this myself. It was like gaslighting your own internal states to do the right thing to support your child, meanwhile your child is only feeling you abandon yourself which in turn creates a feeling of unsafe inside of them. My anger/frustration/fear in those moments where the very gateways to creating a different reality for us and yet at that time I thought they were a defect in me and were in the way.
It is a viscous cycle!!!!!!!! Its heartbreaking, exhausting, draining and maddening. I feel this is when a lot of adoptions break down. I used to judge it and I totally get it. I am not sure where we would be had I not of found the WEL-Systems TM. If nothing else existed other than theory/strategy and self abandonment we would not be where we are that is for sure. I could not have created this reality I have with my intellect. Some might without the intensity that existed for us. It might have felt manageable. For us, thankfully manageable was not our reality. From that I got to go deeper and discover much more!
I remember making the choice to turn my focus into my own internal states. It felt so wrong at first. I should be focusing on helping her not getting curious about what lives in me lol. That was a habitual way I engaged my world back then.
The intensity that was in me at that time was pretty painful. I just wanted it to go away. I deflected my anger out at the professionals that gaslit me in the mask of righteous rage because they knew less then I did and hurt my kid. I would feel frustrated at her internal states at times and then feel massive guilt and shame for doing so. I would snap at her and then have to go apologize and repair. It was like a pressure cooker of anger/fire building and I became more exhausted and in turn she didn’t have a nervous system to help regulate hers very effectively.
Mom guilt is real and heartbreaking when you feel like there is nothing you can do to fix or change something that seems to just be getting worse.
Overtime I learnt how to befriend and WELCOME my fire when it showed up. The first layer is usually an old strategy but quickly now becomes an invitation to STOP, PAUSE, and move directly into MY BODY. Then I stay in that experience and it has permission to move and integrate. Layer by layer and some layers are much harder then others. If I choose habit and try to manage it, it never shifts to the same degree as when I go directly inside of my body. Sometimes I don’t choose it for awhile and I really notice. It doesn’t feel good. My body will tell me.
ANGER is the story they taught us to capture it and slow it down. FIRE is the energy response that it actually is. Fire is merely a sensation in the body when we can get our intellect out of the way. The experience of it reflects the anchored programming and stored experiences I contain and the moment IS THE INVITATION to shift that.
There is always another layer behind it. Other wise we would stop expanding.
The flow that is created though with staying in it is where the magic is. Its noticing the massive growth over all when you never thought it would even be possible. Its noticing when my window of tolerance and energy levels are really wide! Where I can invite anger to embody and integrate it to literally shift my experiences of me and my kiddo and well…..everything. Its aligning with the NEW information that comes into my awareness after movement and when I trust it, it creates alignment out side of myself. Things I say will resonate differently with my child and all of a sudden she is working with me and is more flexible. Things shift.
Changing my mind on anger has been like discovering the secret to life. Taking it completely out of the box has been fascinating even though it felt impossible at first.
It is not easy and yet over time is a new habit to move directly into whether I am inviting it or not in that moment. Some days its just easier to be mad at someone else and somedays it starts there but quickly shifts out.
Its all perfect….the question is……. what do I want to create? When I can alchemize my own fire energy I can create anything. It is work and it takes great effort. It doesn’t come EASY BUT Definitely gets easier.
Without fire there is no movement. Without space the fire with the movement can be explosive and unsafe. Without welcomed movement there is no flow. Without flow there is no full potential of wellbeing and joy.
Anger IS JOY before it is reclaimed in the body. Why would we want to by pass that with a story?
I am here for big joy and alllll the fire that comes along with it.
APPARENTLY SO IS MY KIDDO!!!!!