Fire and metaphors
I took this picture today. When I first looked at this incredible unique stream of light from the sun set I immediately felt a rush of energy move down my body. Like a thud if that makes any sense. I had spent the entire day feeling this sharp fire energy right through me. It was like a massive layer of a strategy dissolved and down it came clearing out space where space was yearning to be had. Old information moved. Lots of very clear boundaries around all kinds of stuff. Showing up more authentic in that with a clarity of being in a process of emergence….of a download if you will. NEW coming in and fire moving old. So when I saw this I just knew. I knew this was a massive metaphor of Self. It was being reflected back to me in this beautiful sunset that literally was a jolt to my nervous system when I saw it. It was as though the universe reminded me that I truly create it all.
I have spent a lot of time in family hero strategy avoiding what was deep inside of me and as I just wrote that I just heard a bunch of geese fly over my place lol. What just came to my awareness was NOT being heard or respected for my truth. Those geese although outside and at night were very loud. Being dismissed, gaslighted, diluted. By others and by myself. It created undercurrents of self censorship and holding back even when my need or want was strong inside of me.
I used the family hero strategy to distract away from what was trying to move in me with everything that was stored. Beliefs that in order to survive this world I was going to have to be a caregiver and put others needs first. To be nice no matter what until it bubbled over but trying hard to keep a lid on it. I wanted to be accepted, loved and maybe even praised for doing a good job. Like most people. I taught myself to compromise, just let it go, don’t be too big. Don’t make others think I am being rude or inconsiderate. That will create shame. Avoid shame at all costs. I look back and wonder how much of what I contributed was truly meaningful for me OR was it to avoid something or even prove something. Was it a bit of everything. So many undercurrents.
It drove me to keep pushing harder. It kept me employed and paid the bills. It even got me through the adoption process which was grueling. I could show them that I was educated and experienced enough for this. I was a hard worker and could handle a lot. It got me approval in some ways in groups that I needed approval in to be able to show up everyday. It gets the house work done and even gets me through the epic messes somehow.
It got me through most of my life when I held the belief that there was only one reality to master and I was either thriving or surviving in that one reality. I never did really thrive. I suppose I felt I was successful enough. I kept everything really well managed. Under control. Neat.
Maybe that is why messes urk me lol They are a metaphor for unprocessed information moving in me that is not a well managed expedition. Creating is actually very messy lol Tears and snot can show up in a massive wave of reclamation. It can’t be controlled because its about letting go of control and inviting the movement fully. That is messy. That triggers others nervous systems when we express from authenticity and not habit. That also can get messy. Habit is manageable. It doesn’t trigger things in others. It maintains status quo.
Yes the messes need to be cleaned up cause I am not living like a pig. I can own that. I enjoy a clean space. I am very curious though now to explore a bit deeper into this. Especially after tonight when my daughter was half mad at me after I reminder her that we are cleaning the mess before bed. So if I was to play with this I would ask my self, who else am I capable of becoming where I can invite and allow more movement in my own nervous system to free up space where it becomes less important to keep it all contained. My daughter is feeling my nervous system with hers. She feels its constricting because her version of creating is all about keeping everything out where it can be seen so she can pick up all up where she left off. dripping paint, glue, vast amounts of objects everywhere etc. lol her palate is huge. It is in part of our main living area and I have to look at it.
oh the metaphors here as I type lol
and what comes up is perhaps for her it might be about wanting to be accepted in the full messy emerging self she is where she doesn’t have to hide that or have it out of sight? A sensation just moved in my nasal area that felt like a burn so I am going to make a bet that’s relevant here. I am also going to bet that this is about me. I was programmed to not be too messy on all logical levels. I wasn’t allowed to be my full emerging authentic self. who the f was?
No wonder it bothers me so much. I can ignore it for the sake of letting her be her until it really bothers me but that is still a form of capitulation and self betrayal. My body is holding more for me to discover about myself in this one and I will stay in it for the unfolding of it. It always brings me transformation.
Yesterday moved a lot when I declared my boundary. The signals of what was stored in me danced hard and reflected back at me through my daughter. I opened up huge space in me yesterday and it makes sense why I felt so much fire moving through me today that manifested in strong boundaries that were unapologetic. Strategies always took up space where that stream wanted to come down a bit stronger to create without as many undercurrents slowing it down. Nice girl? bahahah Maybe I can use perimenopause as an excuse if I don’t want to claim what I want fully lol I am not mean and I am just becoming really clear and it feels good. Its creating a faster process of emerging for me. I just know things I didn’t fully know before. More clarity. More presence. My no is sharper today as I continue this exploration up the logical levels of thinking. My fire transforms me when reclaimed in me.
This is so much bigger than a strategy of how to get her to do x. It is bigger than a collaboration. Its a reflection and a massive metaphor.
How else can I create flow with my daughter around this “problem” that is presenting on the environmental and behaviour level? If I DARE to go deeper into MY iceberg of the self.
Who else am I capable of becoming to create the necessary shifts in my own nervous system to have this “problem” not be a problem anymore. Where no one has to self betray what is meaningful for them because clearly her and I have different views of that. Her complying would be the only logical outcome if I am not willing to self betray my own need/want and if I am not willing to create shifts on higher levels of thought. That would be the foundations of compliance and control. Not healthy for anyone or our connection as mother and daughter. Not neuroaffirming or trauma informed and just not very nice.
Honoring my boundary after pretending it wasn’t there in me all along was a jolt to her nervous system. She was willing to help a bit but was very clear you do not mess with my table lol That boundary moved more information in me.
She is engaging her body and I am engaging mine and we are going to see where we end up. My belief (which might very well be triggering to most and considered not the right way) is that we both have created this on a much higher level to be in this exploration of emergence. We both are up for engaging this authentically while creating space , allowing movement and manifesting flow. That this is not about what its about. It is making space for much more to come in for our own ability to create our meaningful lives (separately and together) and shift our current realities that might just be ready for more.
When chaos shows up it is usually time for more.
How else can we engage this to create what we both want.
My questions will always be more powerful than my answers….they allow things to move around differently in my nervous system and the answers come as new thoughts. Not from a process of analysis. A process of emergence from the body. Transmission from Self into body and then to intellect to choose from- The Three selves Huna.
The higher up I go with my line of enquiry with the logical levels of thinking model……the more space will open up and more movement will happen.
That is how “problems” can literally vanish.