How the DECLOAKING intensive changed everything- into my own deep inner universe

My experience of what integration in the body is and integrating the need to seek out dopamine hits like approval. There are always choices for both in every moment. Literally.

There is a difference in an externally referenced dopamine hit verses a deep, raw integration inside of the body.

I was taught to seek out the dopamine hit from approval or accomplishment. It motivated me while not being fully connected to mySELF.

In this moment I feel as though I am moving through a much deeper layer of this into a much deeper experience of what it means to continuously move deeper with more trust inside of my body as life “happens”.

When I experience what I would call stress, I find myself back into habit. It is those moments I remember there is always more to explore.

Like the deep vast universe and the back side of the moon. The astronauts went deeper and came out with deeper self awareness of their own human experience.

Performance/ Protection has been embedded in culture. It has also been undercurrents running in my human experience.

As I dare to go deeper (as space opens), I know I am about to integrate more of the programming that has slowed down flow in my experiences.

Am I choosing to invite it all down and inward? Like the emergence of the capsule back onto earth in a ball of fire (because that’s what it feels like sometimes).

Am I choosing to let go of the urge to seek out the dopamine hits of life in the more subtle forms (approval/ intellectual pursuits etc) and allow the parts that are not that to descend?

To feel it all and intentionally invite it to move down deeper in the vast space of my inner universe?

As my habits and programming pull me outward, will I STOP and purposefully move inwards even when it feels really big. Am I ready for more?

In every nanosecond there is a moment where I can be in my current state (sometimes that is very subtle angst) AND there is a moment I can choose to acknowledge the state, bring my breath and attention deep inside and ground in inner safety, and allow sensations to integrate. Then move on to the next moment. The opportunity to open my tiny slice of reality is present in every breath. Micro shifts and even macro ones.

When I feel something going “ really wrong” (like when my child has a big reaction to something and my internal state feels awful) I will instantly default back into trying to manage my internal state by managing hers. It collapses so much of that potential because my attention is not inside of my body. Not only is it not inside of my body but the charges in me are being ignored by me and slotted in an unspoken category in my nervous system. Left for next time it triggers. Thankfully this frame work doesn’t allow me to go back into the old paradigm to name it as something going wrong with me or with anything happening out there. If I do it is not for long before I remember. In that I create space which allows me to then start moving my attention inward using breath to invite and allow what information is there to start to root and integrate. My body tells me where it lives and where it is moving. It tells me the story and will bring up memories and new awareness from the neurons firing off differently. No therapist required! Honestly.

Sometimes I need a coach to remind me when it feels big. When I am dodging the redirection inward because it just feels too big in that moment. A coach doesn’t take me into my intellect, she takes me into my body. In that experience I feel the effects of the integration. My answers and shifts come automatically from that.

Integration feels quiet, like a massive aha moment that feels like gold. It is not the same as a dopamine hit where the relief fires off but the charge is still inside and emerges a short time after. In integration it feels like the charge changed. Its a deeper sense of grounding and joy. It Transends solutions. It is different then trying on a different perspective and feeling a little less heavy. It literally shifts your entire nervous system. It is a move into strategy not move away from strategy. There is a huge difference there and yet it often goes unnoticed.

I felt this the other day when in a coaching experience with Stela Murrizi from the WEL-Systems Institute tm. I had just experienced something with my daughter and I wanted to dodge the uncomfortable inner state I was in. She beautifully brought me back with questions and safety was created for me to move into it. It was a huge layer of a habitual avoidance pattern that was ready for more integration. To outsiders they would of seen my daughter struggle at a party, a mother feeling stressed about it worrying and trying to fix the problems. To me, I was up against a massive new layer in my own evolution to move deeper into myself through an experience that triggered it (which I created on a much higher level order for that experience). At the time I blamed my discomfort on my daughter because that is how strong the trigger felt and how much I resisted integrating that information. When I was able to integrate it the insights literally fired off inside of me like popcorn popping in a microwave. I then had to have a conversation with her on my self discoveries and shared with her my process of all of that. One being I moved into parenting with shoulds and didn’t show up in an honest authentic conversation with her on how she felt about going. I made it about behaviour when she had already told me it would be too much for her today. Had I of moved inward and integrated as I engaged who knows what outcome would of been created. It might of flowed and we might of prevented some huge emotions firing outward at others. We might have went for some of it and then came home for the night. We might have created an opportunity for integration in both of us with more integrity and respect. In flow!

So I learnt so much from that experience that at the time felt it all went WRONG. I realized that it is in those moments of revealing self discovery is where the real change comes from in our mother daughter relationship. It is not in making it all go RIGHT. It all held massive intelligence and in the end our friends experience was one of gratitude that we came. All of the stuff I told myself in those moments when the triggers were firing in me were not reality. They were stories based in fear and a nervous system in movement that was not given space for that to happen.

I got to share my truth with her: I really wanted to go and these were the silly thoughts I had around it all that I later realized were not even real. I missed the opportunity to share my truth and be in my moment of integration of that truth. The refusal to move into that discomfort in me brought me into habit- behaviourism. The thing that intellectually I am fully against. Yet it held intelligence for me in that moment.

This is how I expand. It can not be done through the intellect. It is done IN EXPERIENCE DIFFERENTLY.

In that intense moment at the party all of the education I had on what was happening made zero difference. I was in a visceral trigger. To call that anything but intelligent is to gaslight the potential of a moment of huge expansion.

We don’t strategize away behaviourism- We integrate it inside of our body when it shows up. Then we don’t need the dopamine hits in life. We don’t need the meds. We don’t need constant external approval.

Our kids wont either.

I am in new territory inside of mySELF now. I will continue to keep going deeper and enjoy the exploration.

This process is taught in the DECLOAKING intensive with the WEL-Systems Institute tm.

It is the HOW to living this way and it changed my life.

Stela has a few more seats left if you are interested. Go check out the website.